Ask Abigail
by official spoonlicker
Summary: In a moment of confusion about Edward, Jessica writes a letter to the school advice column. Havoc ensues! Set before Bella's arrival. Enjoy! --Revival to come!
1. Jessica

_Ask Abigail- _

_Jessica's Point of View, Before Bella_

It was fifth hour English, right before lunch. The school newspaper had just come out, and my teacher dropped it onto each of our desks. We all moaned- the newspaper was so pathetic. The front-page article read something about how the logging around town was killing the bird's habitats. Lame-o. Didn't the newspaper already know that that had been happening for like, ever?

I was just about to crunch the whole thing up and stuff it into my bag until I saw something familiar. Under the listing of the staff was a name: Edward Cullen.

"Ohmigod!" I squealed.

Next to me sat Lauren, my best friend. We'd been friends since practically ever. I turned around to her, sitting directly behind me where she was carving her initials into her desk. Her newspaper was gone- I think she threw it at Tyler a minute ago. I poked her, and pointed to his name. "What?" She seemed exasperated, but then perked up immediately when she saw. "He's in the newspaper?"

I nodded excitedly. A man with the looks of a god _and_ the brains of one too? I was so lucky.

-

Edward Cullen and I weren't actually dating, I guess I should mention. However, he was the love of my life. The boy was like a god- his looks made me need to fan myself, and his dark, mysterious mannerisms were so sexy. I had been officially crushing on him for a month, and everyone knew that he was going to have to ask me out sooner or later. I had done everything right to let him know that I liked him- the winks, giggling, and uncontrollable flirting. But he never responded! Lauren and I figured that it was just his quiet and dark charm that made him not just flat out tell me of his own desires for me. Still, I was getting desperate.

-

The night after I saw his name in the newspaper, I carried the paper home with me. I wanted to read what he had written it in, but I didn't think that reading the paper where I could be seen would be cool at all. The moment I reached my bedroom, I quickly locked the door. Next was the music- I had made a compilation that reminded me most of Edward. I flicked it on and the croons of John Mayer's 'You're Body Is a Wonderland' flooded the room. With a hop, I bounded to my bed and pulled out the newspaper. I skimmed the front page nervously; I prayed Edward wouldn't be dorky enough to write the front-page article. I giggled when I saw Eric Yorkie's name at the by line instead. I was almost tempted just to read it to tease him about it. However, I was a woman on a mission. I had to see which article Edward had written.

I had read headlines on each page, from next week's lunch menu to the health and beauty section, which lacked any new tips. In a moment of anguish, I picked up the phone. Maybe Lauren would have some suggestions.

The line was busy. I groaned, and tried her cell phone. She picked up, and I sighed with relief.

"Hey it's me. What's up?"

"Lauren! I can't find _anything_ of Edward's in the paper. He's going to think I don't care about his-"

I was suddenly cut off.

"Yeah well I'm not here right now so give me another call later. Byeee!"

UGH. I had totally forgotten about Lauren's lame voice mail message. I clicked off the phone and sighed desperately. If I didn't find out what Edward wrote, he'd think that I didn't like him that much. And I would not give in to that risk.

There was one last column I had seen…the advice column, Ask Abigail. It was totally bogus most of the time, with only the lamest people in there. I had never actually really read it, but I figured the whole concept of it was lame enough.

_Dear Abigail,_

_For the last two hours, my heart has been torn from my chest, lying mangled in the hands of my lover. My boyfriend and I had been going out, (steady mind you) for the last six periods, fourteen minutes, coming onto…thirty seconds. In Pre-Algebra, he texted me saying that he was dumping me! I couldn't believe it. What do I do?_

_Signed, Loving on Aaron in Algebra_

_Dear Abigail,_

_I have a case of foot fungus. It's not that bad- just a bit of odor. But my boyfriend refuses to rub them now, he says he got some of the fungus stu-_

"Ewww!" I screamed as I dropped the paper. The second letter was totally disgusting, but I felt for the first one. I kept reading, and the advice actually made… sense. Whoever wrote this column had extremely good knowledge on the boys and girls. They were sweet and sensitive too. Almost like Angela, I thought.

Then, in a stroke of genius, I had created a plan. Lauren had bailed on me, and I was totally alone. I needed advice about Edward _desperately_. There was so much chaos in our relationship, and we really needed to settle it out.

Which is why I began to write my letter to Abigail.

-

The newspaper said to drop off all letters under Mr. Hamilton's door. I knew it was going to weird trying to make sure not to be seen, (my social status could be demolished if I were seen getting advice from someone called _Abigail)_ but it was a risk I had to take. Not for just myself, but for both Edward and I. I knew he would thank me eventually.

I woke up early to sneak to school. I had hidden the envelope away in a thick envelope, and marked it to 'Abigail'. I had a cover story made in case I was to be caught- but none of my friends would ever go to school early. The halls were clear, and my procession to Mr. Hamilton's room was smooth. Once I reached his door though, a hum of voices greeted me. I bit my tongue nervously, and I knew I had to decide now whether to drop it and run, or leave and never know what would become of Edward and I.

I slid the letter under the door and ran.

* * *

On the opposite side of the door, Edward picked up a letter. At first he was confused, but then instantaneously he smiled. He tucked the letter away in a pocket.

**Author's Note: I had to publish this one: it was so much fun to write! I'm not so sure whether it's a one-shot or not, but I do have ideas for a chapter story. Let me know what you think in your reviews!! :) Thanks so much for reading. **


	2. Emmett

**Welcome to chapter two of _Ask Abigail_! I'm having fun playing with POV's, and this one is from Emmett's. :)**

It was a little past two in the morning, and I was bored.

This time of the night was always the worst. The darkness wouldn't allow anyone to be outside, and the quiet night never really permitted us to be too loud. We must retain a certain level of serenity at this time, or things might get a little suspicious, Carlisle had told me. It was complete crap, if you would ask me.

Anyways, about this boredom. Everyone in the house seemed to be occupied- Alice with her computer, clicking away at E-Bay, Jasper loyally at her side relaying the numbers on the credit cards. Esme and Carlisle were canoodling in living room and Rose was leafing through magazines. Bridal magazines, actually. She'd been planning own wedding once again- a hobby of hers when bored. Sliding by her, I pointed out a suit I found particularly appealing. She shot me a look.

"A zebra-striped suit? Sure, if you'd like to marry a circus woman." Her nose scrunched up in disgust, and I trotted off to fulfill my boredom.

Usually at this time of night, I could pretty much rely on old Edward to diminish the boredom. The guy was entertaining- he had a killer CD player, and mad skills on Guitar Hero. He habitually made a good music night. Running up the stairs, I made my way up to Edward's room. Down the hallway, the last door to the right. I paused before touching the handle- it might be fun to give Edward a scare tonight. I'd hadn't had that much fun in weeks.

Suddenly, a voice broke the silence. "Don't even think about it, Emmett. He's not home."

Alice's voice at first depressed me, but suddenly the concept of an empty room enthralled me. My fingers grasping the handle, I casually slipped into Edward's room.

Same room, exactly as it had been for the last few decades. The video game console was hooked in, figures flashing on the screen. Shutting the door behind me, I stood and just, well, looked. I didn't know what I was looking _for_, but that was the magic of it.

I scuffled across the carpet, peering for any thing of the unusual. Across the post on his dresser was where Edward's backpack was slung- the same one he'd had for the last decade or so. I almost passed it by-but God help me, I didn't.

Curiosity beheld me, and slyly I grabbed the bag hanging from its perch. First pocket had nothing but his two pencils and three different colored pens. Maybe this search wasn't going to be very interesting, I mumbled, but kept on.

There was only the main compartment left, where seven folders were. I slid past each- they were all the basic studies. Then, there was one more left- it was marked as his 'club' folder.

Club? What club? Edward didn't take part in any clubs as far as I knew.

-

The first few papers inside were very boring- just lists. It looked like Edward was apart of the school newspaper. I repressed a chuckle- didn't he know that the thing was trash?

I heard a few steps from behind me, and was unsurprised to see a giggling Alice at my heels.

"Scoot over Emmett, I want to see this too!"

"Like you haven't already. I can't find anything very incriminating."

"Well, firstly, Edward's hardly a criminal." I ignored her. "But he definitely looks that he has some secrets.."

I grinned- something good must have been coming for Alice to take part in it. We sorted out through another few papers, until we found a packet with a blank sheet covering it. "Bingo," Alice murmured with a smile, and tossed it to me.

"You may have the honors, Emmett!"

I paused for dramatic effect, and then flipped to the first page that had handwriting on it.

_Dear Abigail,_

_I have what I'll call, a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend. We're of course totally in love, and everyone knows it. However, it seems that my boyfriend has issues with his affections for me. I'll laugh, giggle and flirt with him, but he never seems to respond! Of course, his eye twinkles and I know that he's just holding it in, but I really wish he would just be more open! My friend and I just think that it's in his nature: all dark and sexy, mysterious and quiet you know? Like you can never guess what he's really thinking. What should I do? We're totally HOTT together, I don't want to ruin it!_

_Signed, Long-Distance Lover_

_Dear Long-Distance Lover,_

_I for one know exactly what going on for you. This has happened to me a LOT-_

Alice was giggling into hysteria, I was incredulous.

"What-what _is_ this?"

"Edward-" Alice hiccuped between each giggle. "Is-" another hiccup- "Abigail!"

"You mean Edward is a _trans-sexual_??" My face was blank. "Alice, I have seen that guy before and I know for certain that-"

"Ew Emmett, no!" Alice swatted my arm. "No, from _Ask Abigail_. In the newspaper!"

I drew another blank. With ease, I snatched back the papers that she had grasped in her tiny pixie hands. I ran for the door, and Alice pranced behind. "Emmett, where you going?!" Stupid question, I thought.

"Emmett, I really don't think you understand. Abigail is in the newspaper, she writes the _advice column_!"

"I knew that." I muttered indignantly. Actually, I really hadn't. Like she needed to know that though. I had found my incriminating evidence on Edward for the night, and I was prepared to share. Edward was writing a woman's advice column? That was going to earn him taunting for the rest of the decade, maybe into the next century.

I jogged down the hallway into the living room, eager to drop the paper into Carlisle's hands. I motioned Rosalie over, and beamed as I realized I had a full audience.

"Look at this Carlisle, read it aloud! Alice and I found it in one of Edward's school fol-"

We were interrupted by the click of the door.

We all suddenly froze, staring at the figure evolving from the dark hallway.

"What were you all talking about me?"

Edward was home. I couldn't help but beam.

* * *

_Author's Note: Whooo! Another chapter down. I hope I pulled Emmett's off. He was another POV that I had to do- too much fun to avoid. Now, I feel terrible that I haven't been giving you hardly any glances of Edward, but I promise you he will have more than one line soon. :)_

_Thanks for the feedback last week, I really hope to see more reviews this week! Abigail is always loving some positive advice!_


	3. Alice

_Author's Note: Hello! :) Welcome to the third chapter of Ask Abigail. This chapter focuses more on Carlisle and Esme's reception of finding out about Edward/Abigail. If you haven't read the first two chapters, I would advise to because otherwise you won't be able to follow this one. I also have to apologize for taking so long to put this up._

_**As I said, I have trouble sticking with one POV. This one is from Miss Alice's. Enjoy and make sure to review!!**_

Scenes kept changing before me. One shot led to a brutal fight scene, another to an awkward silence. However, I ignored each scenario before my eyes, choosing to immerse myself in the one exactly before me.

Edward stood, dumbfounded in the doorway. Carlisle looked confused, and Emmett was laughing. I smiled impishly, squeezing Jasper's hand. There was no need for him to interfere here- this scene was going to be good without him putting a hand into it.

Emmett snatched the packet from Carlisle's hands impulsively, waving them in his face. I quickly nestled myself into Jasper's side and grinned as Edward looked to Carlisle.

"Carlisle."

Edward's voice was hard and steely, his eyes only on Carlisle. Poor Carlisle himself didn't even know what the whole story was, and could only shrug. "I'm sorry Edward, but I haven't the faintest of an idea of what's occurring."

Edward pivoted, his gaze steady. Emmett's smirk prevailed though. "Emmett, please give me the papers."

"I'd rather not, though, you see. This material is just _too good_ to part with, brother! I didn't know that you could sympathize with-"

Edward quickly lunged for Emmett's arm, the packet of papers still in his outstretched hands. Emmett was faster however, and as Edward and Emmett came rolling across the ground, Emmett rebounded and the papers found themselves in Carlisle's hands.

Rosalie, once sitting in the kitchen, had wandered behind of Carlisle's shoulder. Bouncing up from my seat, I skipped next to Rose and we watched as Emmett and Edward tumble across the dining room table. Edward made a right hook for Emmett, but Emmett smartly responded by pulling himself out of the fray. Carlisle's face was still incredulous, eying the papers and the boys back and forth with a priceless expression.

Esme had joined the charade by now- the noise distracted her from her work in the gardens. She looked back and forth from Emmett and Edward, back to me (I suppose grinning about it didn't ease her much) and then she found her way to Carlisle's arm.

"Emmett! Edward! Straighten up!"

A tussled Emmett and Edward found themselves on opposite sides of the room. Emmett was still grinning. "You afraid much of those papers, Abigail? Or do you prefer Abby?" A snarl erupted from Edward.

"Explain. Now." Carlisle commanded, taking strides to the middle of the room. Esme followed faithfully behind, her stare fixed with ferocity on both of Edward and Emmett. Rosalie was now standing steadfastly by Emmett, leaving only Jasper and I on the couch.

Carlisle was addressing Edward however, who was shrunk against the wall. He refused a response.

"These are you papers? Edward. Are these your papers?"

A stiff nod.

Emmett bellowed a laugh. "Of course it's his- we found it in his backpack!"

"We?"

It was too good not to interrupt. I knew that Edward might not speak to me for another decade, but it was worth it.

"Emmett was snooping around in Edward's room- he was out. Which was suspicious to begin with." I shot him a look. Not even a trace of emotion flittered across his face.

"I saw that Emmett was going to discover something. I didn't know what, but I was curious." I smiled impishly as Carlisle shook his head. "We found that." I pointed to the papers.

"Yes, but _what are they_?" The impatience had finally caught up to Esme.

"Papers proclaiming that Edward is actually aliases with a woman named Abigail."

"You mean from Ask Abigail?!"

There was one reaction I didn't foresee. Rosalie burst out laughing.

"Haha, nice joke guys. Edward would never have the brilliance to write a column like that. Last issue Abigail gave did that special on prom dresses. Her taste was darling!" I eyed her.

She was serious.

"No, no Rose! I'm serious! We found this right in his bag. Here, flip to this last page- he was answering a question about his long distance lover…" Emmett tried to make a grab of the papers, but instead Carlisle turned his back swiftly while poring over the papers.

"' _Dear Abigail,_

_I have what I'll call, a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend. We're of course totally in love, and everyone knows it. However, it seems that my boyfriend has issues with his affections for me. I'll laugh, giggle and flirt with him, but he never seems to respond! Of course, his eye twinkles and I know that he's just holding it in, but I really wish he would just be more open! My friend and I just think that it's in his nature: all dark and sexy, mysterious and quiet you know? Like you can never guess what he's really thinking! What should I do? We're totally HOTT together, I don't want to ruin it!_

_Signed, Long-Distance Lover_

_Dear Long Distance Lover, I for one know exactly what going on for you. This has happened to me a LOT-'_ Oh my."

Carlisle finished reading, Esme gasped.

"Edward…" she sniffed. "Why didn't you just tell us sooner?" She advanced to hold him, but Edward jumped across, stepping farther away from the scene. Bewilderment, panic- and a hint of fear?- were obvious across his face. Edward's always-careful guard was shattered.

Carlisle stood himself, stunned. He seemed to try to reach for Esme, but he was drawn back to the packet. "Edward, I didn't know you felt this way! Why didn't you tell us sooner that you…had this attraction?"

--

My whole world was spinning. Laughter made my stomach hurt, my breath restricted. Jasper's own chest heaved next to my own, his chuckles close to hiccups. However, the sound of Emmett's bellowing laughter didn't allow me to make any speech, to end Edward's humiliation. Poor Esme and Carlisle still stared at their son in a mixture of confusion and melancholy.

"No, no, no…" I moaned. "This isn't fair."

"To hell you're right, it's not fair. I'm not gay, nor trans-sexual-" As Edward spoke, the laughter cleared. He glared at Emmett as he made his last comment, and I giggled involuntarily. I slapped my hand over my mouth.

"You're not…of the opposite orientation?" I pitied poor Esme, who struggled with her words. She ran to embrace Edward, who still stood stiffly.

"But you're writing a woman's advice column." Carlisle still stood, eyes in wonderment. Edward finally locked eyes with him.

"Yes, I am Abigail. But I do have a reason for it."

Another scene flittered before my eyes, and even I forgot to breathe.

_More Notes from Natalie: I'm sort of stuck with this ending-but I really do need some encouragment on where to take this. I have some ideas, but otherwise I'm in a bad spot. **Comments and reviews would mean the world to me!**_


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